


In Kleinphy We Don't Say I Love You We Say Fuck You And I Think That's Beautiful

by aliensinflowercrowns



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Connor is an actor, Established Relationship, Fluff, Jared is a techie, M/M, SO MUCH FLUFF, and ice cream at 3 am, and lots of swearing, so many musical references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 14:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13148373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliensinflowercrowns/pseuds/aliensinflowercrowns
Summary: this is my dear evan hansen secret santa gift for @beaniejared on tumblr and i liked it so i thought i'd stick it up here.some kleinphy theatre kid fluff for the soul





	In Kleinphy We Don't Say I Love You We Say Fuck You And I Think That's Beautiful

Connor groaned loudly. The prickly school carpeting was making his back numb, and the lack of sleep inherent to tech week made his entire body feel like he was pumping cough syrup instead of blood. 

The bright, fluorescent lights of the booth boring into his brain were not helping. 

“Jared!” He whined, covering his eyes with his hoodie. “It’s two in the fucking morning. When are we going to leave?” 

Jared didn’t look up from his equipment. “You had the chance to get a ride home with Zoe, Evan, and Alana two hours ago,” He said. 

Connor rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know you would be staying so late. I thought if Alana Beck, our ever diligent stage manager, was leaving then you wouldn’t be far behind. You’re generally known as a slacker -”

“You can’t see right now but I am flipping you off -”

“Besides, I would rather be trapped here until dawn than in sitting next to Evan in the backseat of my sister’s car while she and Alana suck face. Yannow, I think he’s still scared of me.” 

“He’s not scared of you, he’s just skittish. Like a fucking… chipmunk or something. A sweaty chipmunk.”

Connor snorted. 

“And,” Jared continued. “For your information, I can be very diligent. I only slack off on things I don’t care about. Programming the lighting board takes time and patience. Something you actors wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh blow me, Kleinman.” 

“Maybe later. Right now I’m working.” 

“I’m not even an actor, you know,” Connor said. “I’m not talented. I’m just one of like… five guys who tried out. And like… making me the sadistic dentist? That’s just blatant typecasting.” 

“Shut up, Connor. You and I both know that you’re good at this.” 

Connor sat up and smirked. 

“What was that?”

“Fuck off.”

“Was… was that… was that a compliment?”

“I hate you.”

“From Jared Kleinman?”

“Why are you like this?”

“Did the Amazing Asshole Jared Kleinman just give  _ me _ a compliment?” 

Connor had slowly made his way over to Jared’s chair, until he was right in his face. 

“You’re the worst, you know that?” Jared said, a fond smile ghosting over his lips. 

Connor shrugged. He was half expecting Jared to lean forward and kiss him, with their faces being so close together, but he instead turned back to his computer with a soft hum. 

Connor glanced at the screen. It was full of codes and colors and buttons that he didn’t understand, but he could glean that Jared would not be done for awhile. 

He jumped on the the counter next to Jared’s workstation, resting his legs on one of the many plush chairs that occupied the space. 

“You aren’t supposed to be up there,” Jared said. 

“Mkay, but consider this, I don’t give a fuck.”

Jared rolled his eyes absentmindedly, but didn’t press the issue any further. 

“Ya know,” Connor said after ten minutes of insufferable silence. Connor hated silence. And stillness. He’d had ADHD when he was younger. Sometimes he thought he still had it, but his dad had said he’d “grown out of it” and that “adults don’t have ADHD.” “I used to get really high up here sophomore year.”

“Oh, Jesus, that was you?”

Connor shrugged. “Not  _ just _ me. Charlie Davis and Alan P. were there too.”

“Alan P.? Dana P.’s older brother?”

“Yeah. He was a senior when we were sophomores.”

“There’s no way he was a stoner. He’s going to like… an Ivy League school.”

“So? Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. But yeah. Alan P. is a major pothead. He was my first kiss, too.” 

“Were you guys high?”

“As a kite.”

“Kinky.”

“Fuck off.” 

“What’s that even like?”

“Getting high?”

“Kissing while high. Or getting high. I dunno. Both?”

“Getting high is like… I dunno. It just chills me out. It makes Big Bang Theory watchable, if that helps. And kissing while high is… it depends. Kissing Alan while high was whatever. Cause I didn’t really have a crush on him, it just sort of happened? So it was like… ‘whoa you taste like weed but also have a mouth, that’s fun.’ I dunno what kissing someone I really liked high would be like.” 

Jared nodded noncommittally. “So you really didn’t like Alan P.?”

“No? Why?” Connor raised an eyebrow. “Holy shit are you jealous?”

Jared blushed slightly. “No. Fuck you.”

Connor cackled. “Don’t worry, Jared. You’re the only boy I want to kiss. High or otherwise.”

“Connor, that’s gay,” Jared said, a smile pulling at his lips. 

“cONor thAT’S gAy,” Connor mocked, doing his best impression of the Spongebob Parrot meme. 

Jared laughed softly. Connor loved Jared’s laugh. It wasn’t a particularly melodic or dulcet laugh, it was kind of cackley, and to the untrained ear it would sound mocking, but it was perfect for Jared. It was rough around the edges, kind of disarming at first, but also gleeful and unapologetic. Jared was different and odd and unexpected and Connor thought he was perfect. Jared went back to his programming. Different combinations would light up the stage, and Connor could barely tell the difference between most of them, but Jared would shake his head and change something minute twelve hundred times before he actually inputted a queue. Connor admired the laser focus that Jared had. The only thing Connor could do for a continuous amount of time was read. He also liked to dance or play video games, but neither of those things were still. Connor had to be really high to sit in stillness. Jared seemed to relish in the monotony of inputting codes and tweaking HTML. 

Connor abruptly jumped off of the counter, landing less than gracefully. Jared jumped at bit at the sudden movement. 

“What the fuck?”

“I need your keys.”

“My… keys?”

“Yes. Your keys.” 

“Uh…”

“I’m not going to abandon you at the school, Kleinman. Just fucking trust me.” 

Jared let out a beleaguered sigh, but reached into his backpack and tossed Connor his keys. They were attached to a first generation Pokemon lanyard. It was adorable. 

“Cool. I’ll be back in like twenty minutes.” Connor started for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“Sucking dick for meth!” Connor called as he walked down the hallway to the stairs. 

“Bring me some back!” 

Connor chuckled. Jared was such a dork. 

He walked down the stairs, then left the janitor’s closet that held the passageway to the booth, and exited the school, the brisk night air chilling him to the bone. He left one of the many blocks of wood that littered the floor of the scene shop in the door so that he could get back in. 

Jared’s car was a cherry red monstrosity that had over a hundred thousand miles on it and a steering wheel that was held together by duct tape. It could only play cassettes and didn’t get FM radio. Connor absolutely loved it. 

He opened the passenger seat door, and was washed over by the smell of dirty laundry, fast food, and Jared. He sat on the cracked leather seat, putting the key in the ignition and stepping on the break. Connor loved driving. His parents took away his car after his last suicide attempt, which, okay, was fair, but it still sucked. It was a weird dichotomy, understanding the measures his parents took to ensure his safety but at the same time being angry and stifled by their constant worry and restrictions. 

He flipped on the radio, turning on NPR. His and Jared’s favorite radio show was on. Coast to Coast. It was a conspiracy show that talked about everything from aliens to bigfoot to demonic black eyed children that haunted people until they went insane. It was great. Connor and Jared would stay up until dawn listening to the broadcast in their respective rooms, texting each other back and forth. Gregg Noory was talking about some sort of miniature black hole that scientists were working creating on which had the possibility to destroy the entire world. Driving down a road in the dead of night listening to him talk made the hairs on Connor’s arms stand up. It was exhilarating. 

He swerved in to the nearly empty convenience store parking lot. The fluorescent lights illuminated the air around the store like an edgy CW drama. Not that Connor watched edgy CW dramas. He just happened to sometimes be in the room when Zoe was watching them. 

He entered the store and grabbed a basket, then headed towards the freezer section. Connor grabbed a carton of rocky road and threw it in. He turned to open the doors again but realized something that felt earth shattering. 

He had no fucking clue what kind of ice cream Jared liked. 

He couldn’t just text him and ask him, that would ruin the whole romantic shtick. But he couldn’t get the wrong kind of ice cream. Connor came from a family that took ice cream very seriously. One wrong distinction between chocolate and rainbow sprinkles could be the difference between civility and throwing around microwaves. (Connor liked rainbow sprinkles because he was gay and awesome, and Zoe liked chocolate ones because she was a dweeb.)

Connor pulled out his phone and shot a quick text. 

 

To: Hansen

what kind of ice cream does jared like

 

To: Connor Murphy

What? Why? It’s three am? 

 

To: Hansen

i know what fucking time it is asshole what kind of ice cream does jared like 

 

To: Connor Murphy

Why are you awake? You should be asleep, Connor. 

 

To: Connor Murphy

And cherry garcia.

 

To: Hansen

pot. kettle. black. 

 

To: Hansen

also, cherry garcia?? fuckin weirdo 

 

Connor grabbed the cherry garcia and dropped it in the basket nonetheless. He also picked up a package of plastic spoons and two water bottles. A suspiciously red-eyed twenty something checked him out and Connor drove back to the high school, not taking notice of the speed limits because it was three in the morning and he had ice cream in the car. 

He entered the school, jogged up the stairs, and dramatically kicked open the door to the booth. Jared was still in front of the computer, ever so slightly adjusting shades of pink. 

“I’m fighting against every fiber of my being not to make a ‘honey, I’m home,’ joke right now,” Connor said, setting his bounty down on the counter. 

Jared turned towards him. “What did you get?”

Connor pulled out the ice cream, flashing a smile. 

“Connor, we aren’t allowed to have food up here.”

“I’m pretty sure we also aren’t allowed to be here past midnight so…”

Jared furrowed his brow. Connor smiled wider and handed him the pint of ice cream and a plastic spoon. 

Jared opened his mouth to protest, but Connor cut him off.

“Stop being such an Alana and eat the ice cream, Kleinman.” 

“Wow. Rude.” But Jared pulled the top off of the carton and tried to pull out a giant scoop, breaking his spoon in the process. 

Connor handed him another spoon. 

“Fuck off,” Jared muttered.

Connor grinned. “I didn’t say anything.” He opened his own ice cream and dipped his spoon in. 

Jared paused, turned back to his computer and grabbed his phone. A song Connor recognized as being from Next To Normal started blaring from the speakers meant for the God Mic. 

Connor smiled, and in a moment of bravery, leaned over and pecked Jared on the lips. Even though they’d been dating for a few months, they were shy around affection, both expecting the other to reveal that the whole relationship had been a prank or a lie. 

Jared’s face went red, splitting in to a wide grin. 

The ate their ice cream in relative silence, occasionally cracking jokes or singing along to Jared’s musical playlist. At one point, Connor put down his spoon and did an entire dance routine in the cramped booth. 

“How the fuck have you memorized the entire dance to King Of New York?” Jared asked, incredulous. 

Connor shrugged. “I might have a small crush on Ben Cook…”

“Don’t we all.” Jared looked up in fake wistfulness, then looked back at Connor. “So, Newsies is a favorite of yours then?”

“Oh, God no.”

Jared stared at him, offended. “Okay then, Mr. Judgy. What do you like?”

“Off the top of my head? Fantasticks, Apple Tree, and Hair.” 

“Oh my god, what are you, seventy?” 

“Oh go blow Steven Schwartz, asshole.” 

“How can you not recognize that we are in a new golden age of musical theatre?!”

“Okay then, what do you like?”

“Next To Normal, Spring Awakening, and Cats.” 

“Cats?!”

“Okay listen -”

“I cannot believe I’m in love with someone who likes Cats!” 

“Cats is - wait. In… In love?”

Connor stopped dead. The late night and the free flowing banter and the being alone with Jared has loosened his tongue, and he’d ruined everything. 

“I mean… I just… no! Fuck! Of course not, I’m just… I meant to say… I… fuck you!”

“Connor.”

Connor stared at his hands, trying not to freak out. 

“Connor!” 

His head snapped up, and he looked at Jared. 

“I… I love you too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Cool.”

“Very cool.”

“Insanely cool.”

“Fuck off, Kleinman.” 

**Author's Note:**

> yes i actually do write things other than slowburn tree bros angst. i know i'm surprised too. 
> 
> all i want for christmas is you to comment on this fic
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my main and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


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